The Thoughts We Don’t Talk About: Why “Scary Thoughts” Don’t Mean You’re a Bad Mum
If you have ever been standing at the top of the stairs in your home, looking down at your sleeping newborn, and suddenly had a vivid image of yourself dropping them, you are not alone. Perhaps you were bathing your baby and had a terrifying flash of them slipping under the water. You might have been chopping vegetables with your baby nearby in their bouncer and felt a wave of nausea because you briefly pictured the knife slipping.
At Foundations Perinatal and Child Psychology Centre in East Brisbane, we hear these stories behind closed doors every single week. These are intrusive thoughts, often referred to by clinicians and parents alike as “scary thoughts.” They are the uninvited, distressing, and often graphic thoughts that suggest the very worst things happening to the person you love most in the world.
Because our society expects new parents to be in a constant state of “blissful glow,” these thoughts are often met with deep shame. Many parents stay silent, terrified that if they speak the words out loud, someone will take their baby away or label them “dangerous.”
Today, I’m pulling back the curtain. Using current evidence, let’s talk about why these thoughts happen, why they are actually a sign of your devotion, and how to tell the difference between a loud brain and a genuine risk.
What Exactly Are Intrusive Thoughts?
In clinical terms, intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary ideas, images, or impulses. They are ego-dystonic, which is a fancy psychological term meaning they are the polar opposite of your actual character, desires, and values.
Research shows that these thoughts are incredibly common. A recent study found that over 96% of new parents reported at least one current intrusive thought (Foreman et al., 2026).
Common themes include:
- Accidental harm: Images of the baby falling, suffocating, or being involved in a car accident.
- Intentional harm: A sudden “what if” thought about hurting the baby (e.g., “What if I just… threw the baby?”).
- Contamination: Fear of the baby getting sick from germs or “poisons” in the house.
- Sexual Themes: Distressing, unwanted images related to the baby’s body during changing or bathing.
Again, these thoughts are common even among parents who do not have a diagnosed mental health condition. They are a sign of an overwhelmed mind, not a “bad” soul.
Why is My Brain Doing This? (The Evolutionary Glitch)
You might be wondering why our brains would torture us like this during an already exhausting time. Ironically, it’s a glitch in our biological protection system.
When you have a baby, your brain’s “threat detection centre” (the amygdala) goes into overdrive. Its job is to keep that tiny human alive. To do this, your brain starts scanning the environment for every possible danger. Sometimes, it gets a bit too enthusiastic. It’s like a high-tech security system that starts ringing the alarm not just for a burglar, but for a stray leaf blowing past the window.
Your brain presents these “scary thoughts” as a way of saying: “Look! Danger! Don’t let this happen!” For most people, the brain generates the thought, recognizes it as junk data, and moves on. But when we are sleep-deprived and flooded with postpartum hormones, we might “catch” the thought and panic. We think, “Because I thought it, I must want to do it,” or “Because I thought it, it might happen.”
The truth: A thought is just a firing of neurons. It is not a wish, it is not a premonition, and it is certainly not a reflection of your soul.
The Difference Between Anxiety and “Losing Your Mind”
Many parents fear that these thoughts mean they are losing touch with reality. It is vital to understand the difference between anxiety-based thoughts and more serious conditions like postpartum psychosis.
With anxiety or “scary thoughts,” you have “insight”. This means you know the thoughts are wrong and you are terrified of them. You might even avoid certain tasks, like bathing the baby, just to make sure the baby stays safe.
In contrast, someone experiencing postpartum psychosis loses touch with what is real. They might see or hear things that others don’t, and their thoughts may not feel scary to them at the time. Thoughts of harm may feel necessary, based on a delusion (e.g. believing the baby is possessed).
If you are worried about being a “bad parent” because of your thoughts, you almost certainly do not have psychosis. People in a psychotic break generally do not worry about being “bad” because they believe their distorted reality is true.
Practical Ways to Manage the Thoughts
When these thoughts pop up, you can learn to change how you respond to them. Here are some simple steps to try:
- Label the thought: When a scary image appears, say to yourself, “That is an intrusive thought”. This helps you realize it is just a mental event and not a fact.
- Don’t fight it: Trying to push a thought away often makes it come back stronger. It is like being told “don’t think of a pink elephant” – the image appears immediately.
- Let it pass: Imagine the thought is like a cloud floating by in the sky. You can notice it is there without needing to do anything about it.
- Distract yourself: If the thoughts feel too heavy, try a simple task like a puzzle, listening to music, or going for a walk in the fresh air.
- Be kind to yourself: Remind yourself that you are doing your best during a very stressful life transition.
When to Reach Out for Support
While scary thoughts are common, they can become a problem if they start to steal your joy or change how you live. You might want to seek help if the thoughts are constant and you can’t “turn them off”.
If you find yourself avoiding your baby or refusing to be alone with them because you are so afraid, support can help. You don’t have to carry the weight of these thoughts by yourself. Reaching out is a sign of strength and a way to protect your relationship with your baby.
Moving Forward
At Foundations Perinatal and Child Psychology Centre in East Brisbane, we believe that every parent deserves to feel steady and empowered. You can have scary thoughts and still be a wonderful parent. You can feel anxious and still experience joy with your little one.
Learning to separate what you think from who you are is a key part of feeling better. With the right support, these thoughts will lose their power and their intensity over time. You are not alone in this, and there is a path back to feeling like yourself again.
A GP can provide a Mental Health Care Plan. A 15-minute discovery call can help determine next steps.
References
Foreman, I., Hunt, T., Peterkin, J., & Hodgekins, J. (2026). Postnatal Intrusive Thoughts and Psychotic-Like Experiences: Exploring Associations with Parenting Experiences and Mental Health. Community Mental Health Journal, 62, 494–512. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-025-01543-z
