Written by Taylor-Jane Cox and Dr Emily O’Leary (two busy mothers and Clinical Psychologists who are also sick of being told to “just relax”).
If you’ve ever been trying to conceive, there’s a good chance someone has said something like, “Just relax and it’ll happen.” (inner screams)
Maybe they followed it with a story about a friend who stopped trying and “magically” fell pregnant on a holiday in Fiji after trying for years. Or maybe it came from a colleague or that one annoying family member at Christmas who always means well… but somehow says the worst thing at the worst time (you all just thought of that person).
And if you’ve heard it, I’m willing to bet it stung. Hard.
Here’s the thing.
When you’re in the thick of fertility struggles, that kind of advice doesn’t help, it hurts. It lands like blame. Like your body’s failure is somehow your fault because you’re too stressed or too focused or not “letting go” enough. It’s the kind of comment that’s meant to soothe but often does the exact opposite.
We hear this all the time from our clients. And honestly, we get it. We really do.
As psychologists, we often talk about this kind of response as part of what’s called toxic positivity. It’s when people skip over the hard stuff and jump straight to good vibes only, even when you’re in the middle of something devastating. It’s the pressure to stay positive no matter what, even when everything feels like it’s falling apart. And in fertility, it’s rampant.
The message that comes through is: “You just need a better attitude.”
And that’s not only false – it’s cruel. Infertility is not caused by a bad mood. It’s a medical condition!
And it doesn’t just impact your body. It touches everything, including your calendar, your relationship, your finances, your friendships, your sense of self. Some research has even shown that around half of women experiencing infertility describe it as one of the most upsetting experiences of their lives. And honestly, that tracks.
So, when someone says, “Just relax,” it doesn’t validate that pain. It shuts it down. It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to just go for a walk and think positive, the bone will fix itself.
We’ve got to stop treating infertility like a mindset issue and start meeting people where they are, with real empathy and practical support.
So, what actually helps?
Well, sometimes it’s not the big things. It’s often just someone turning up with dinner. Or offering a ride to an appointment. Or quietly folding the washing on the line when they drop by. Taking you out for a coffee. Sometimes it’s as simple as just sitting next to someone on the couch in silence and saying, “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
One study that really stuck with us looked at women whose fertility treatments were paused during the pandemic. You’d think they needed advice or reassurance. But no- what they found most helpful? Just being listened to. No solutions. No silver linings. Just space to talk and be heard.
And if you’re someone who really wants to help, but feels helpless, trust us, you’re not. Just listening, just making space, can be the most powerful thing you do.
If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple. Keep it human. Think compassion over clichés. Here are a few phrases we like (and you’re welcome to steal!):
- “I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I’m here.”
- “It’s okay to feel angry. Or sad. Or numb. Or all of it.”
- “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?” (give them the option!)
And distractions can be good too (healthy ones!). We don’t mean pretending it’s not happening. But sometimes a night at the movies, doing a cooking class or a pottery night, or even just a walk can offer a little breathing room from the heaviness.
One helpful way to think about this is through what some researchers call the “Lifted vs. Down” model. The idea is pretty simple: Are you lifting the person up, or bringing them down?
Lifted looks like listening, offering hope, finding common ground, showing up.
Down looks like dismissing, invalidating, taking up too much space with your own stories, or being overly cheerful when someone’s hurting.
And because we have to debunk this- let’s take a wee moment to talk about stress. Ahhhh stress….
There’s a myth that stress causes infertility.
And while it’s true that chronic stress can affect hormones like cortisol (which might impact ovulation or sperm health), stress alone is very rarely the reason someone isn’t getting pregnant.
If stress were the real cause of infertility, IVF clinics would prescribe yoga retreats and green juice instead of needles, scans, and hormone treatments. Right?
What actually matters? Age. Hormones. Medical history. Genetics. Lifestyle factors. It’s complicated. And blaming stress isn’t just wrong – it adds guilt and shame on top of everything else. And honestly, guilt is the last thing anyone needs right now.
We see this in our clients all the time- people already blaming themselves for everything, carrying a huge invisible weight. And then friends and family (with the best intentions) add more weight and this pressure to “stay positive”. And that’s when isolation creeps in.
But you know what the research shows? The opposite of isolation helps. Empathy. Connection. Validation. Just being there.
So if you’ve been reaching for things to say, skip the “just relax” and “it’ll happen when you stop trying…Try instead “I see you. That sucks. I believe you. I’m here.”
You don’t have to fix anything.
Bring snacks. And your whole-hearted, non-judgemental, present self.
And if you’re the one going through it right now, please know you’re not alone.
At Foundations, we have psychologists who truly understand the emotional rollercoaster of fertility challenges. We’re here to help you navigate the mental and emotional side of all of this, without toxic positivity, and without judgment.
Because your experience is real. And you deserve support that gets it.
Learn more about getting support in our prenatal psychology support in Brisbane.
