As a perinatal psychologist here in Brisbane, I often sit across from women who are doing it all. They are keeping tiny humans alive, navigating sleep deprivation that borders on a human rights violation, and managing household – all while wearing a mask of “having it under control”.
But once the door to my therapy room shuts, the mask slips. The first thing that usually spills out isn’t a list of symptoms. It’s a confession: “I feel like a failure because I’m not enjoying this as much as I thought I would.”
This is the hallmark of maternal shame, an often-unspoken barrier that prevents women from accessing the psychological support they need. In a world of curated Instagram nursery reveals and the lingering myth of the “Perfect Mother,” the gap between expectation and reality can become a breeding ground for a particularly toxic type of shame.
The Architecture of the “Motherhood Myth”
We live in a culture that romanticises the transition to parenthood. We are told the Golden Hour will be transcendent, that maternal instinct is a binary switch that flips at birth, and that “good” mothers find ultimate fulfillment in self-sacrifice.
Sociologists call this Intensive Mothering – an ideology that suggests mothering should be child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, and labour-intensive (Hays, 1996). When a mother finds herself feeling resentful, bored, or profoundly anxious instead of “radiant,” she doesn’t just feel like she’s having a hard day. She feels like she is fundamentally broken.
Research indicates that this “Good Mother” ideology is a significant predictor of postnatal depression symptoms (Sonnenburg & Miller, 2021), largely because it creates an impossible standard. When we can’t meet an impossible standard, our brain doesn’t blame the standard – it blames us.
Shame vs. Guilt: Why it Matters
In clinical practice, it is vital to distinguish between guilt and shame.
- Guilt is a focus on behaviour: “I did something bad” (e.g., “I lost my temper when the baby wouldn’t latch“). Guilt, while uncomfortable, can actually be a motivator for repair.
- Shame is a focus on the self: “I am bad” (e.g., “I am a cold, incapable mother”).
Shame is an emotion that triggers our biological threat system. Shame makes us want to hide, disappear, or appease others to avoid being “cast out” of the tribe (Gilbert, 2014). For a new mother, the tribe includes her partner, her mother-in-law, the other mums at playgroup, and the faceless audience of social media.
When shame is the primary driver, seeking therapy feels like an admission of defeat. It feels like “handing oneself in” for failing the most basic biological assignment.
The Barriers to Seeking Help
Despite the fact that 1 in 5 Australian women will experience perinatal anxiety or depression, a staggering number do not seek professional help. The barriers are multi-layered:
- The Fear of Judgment (External Shame)
Many women fear that if they admit they are struggling, particularly if they have “scary thoughts” (intrusive thoughts of harm, which are common but terrifying), they will be judged as unfit. In extreme cases, there is a pervasive, though often unfounded, fear that Child Safety will be called the moment they mention they aren’t “bonding.”
There is a specific type of shame reserved for women who have struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss. The internal narrative becomes: “I fought so hard to have this baby; I have no right to complain now.” This “gratitude trap” effectively silences distress, leading to increased isolation.
- The Performance of “Coping”
In a society that rewards high-achievers, many women equate needing therapy with incompetence. They view motherhood as a project to be managed. When the project feels unmanageable, they double down on doing more rather than reaching out, leading to burnout.
Breaking the Cycle: From Shame to Self-Compassion
As psychologists, our first goal is often demythologising motherhood. Therapy isn’t a place where we “fix” a broken mother; it’s a space where we dismantle the unrealistic expectations that broke her spirit in the first place.
Normalising the “Shadow Side”
Current evidence suggests that nearly all mothers experience negative thoughts or feelings at some point – whether it’s boredom, regret, or anger (Law et al., 2021). Normalising the “shadow side” of motherhood is a powerful antidote to shame. When we realise that our thoughts are common, they lose their power to define who we are.
Developing the Compassionate Inner Voice
We help mothers move from a threat-based mindset to a soothing mindset. This involves recognizing that the brain’s inner critic is often just a misguided attempt to keep us safe by forcing us to try harder.
Self-compassion is not ‘letting yourself off the hook.’ It is recognizing that being a human, and a mother, is inherently difficult and that you deserve support. Not because you are failing, but because you are doing something incredibly hard.
Seeking Support
If you are reading this from a dark nursery at 3:00 AM, feeling that heavy weight in your chest that tells you that you’re “not enough,” please hear this: Your struggle is not a character flaw.
Accessing therapy postpartum is not an admission of failure; it is an act of profound courage and the highest form of advocacy for your child. A mother who is supported is a mother who can eventually find the capacity to enjoy the moments that are enjoyable – without the crushing pressure to perform joy for an audience.
You don’t have to wait until you are in crisis to seek help. Whether you’re navigating mild baby blues or a more complex postpartum disorder, the team at Foundations are here to help you navigate the reality of motherhood – mess, magic, and everything in between.
A GP can provide a Mental Health Care Plan. A 15-minute discovery call can help determine next steps.
References:
Gilbert, P. (2014). The Origins and Nature of Compassion Focused Therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6-41. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12043
Hays, S. (1996). The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood. Yale University Press. https://yalebooks.yale.edu/book/9780300076523/the-cultural-contradictions-of-motherhood/?utm_source=chatgpt.com
Law, N.K., Hall, P.L. & Cheshire, A. (2021). Common Negative Thoughts in Early Motherhood and Their Relationship to Guilt, Shame and Depression. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30, 1831-1845. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-01968-6
Sonnenburg, C., & Miller, Y. (2021). Postnatal Depression: The Role of “Good Mother” Ideals and Maternal Shame in a Community Sample of Mothers in Australia. Sex Roles, 85 (4). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-021-01239-0
