I have a video on my phone of a toddler in a tutu and beanie, thrusting a plastic teacup in my face, yelling ‘Your tea is ready! Drink your tea!’ There is the sound of a gurgling, fussing infant in the background. I can hear in my voice, as I accept my pretend tea, that I am finding the simultaneous feeding and tea-party quite a lot. This video is now over 10 years old, and I treasure it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have times of feeling overwhelmed, guilty even, as I adjusted to the new reality of dividing my attention between two small humans.
Bringing a new baby home is one of the biggest changes a family can experience. It is a time of joy, but it can also feel like a major restructuring in the ecosystem for everyone in the house. At Foundations Perinatal and Child Psychology Centre in East Brisbane, we often meet parents who are anxious about how they will cope with a second baby, and worried about the impact on their first child.
These feelings are very common. The good news is that for most families, this is a normal part of life rather than a permanent crisis. Most children are resilient and adapt to their new role as a “big” brother or sister within a few months. In this blog, you’ll find some evidence-based strategies to help your family find its new rhythm.
What is Normal?
It is very common for older children to show temporary behavioural wobbles. They are trying to find their place in a family that suddenly looks very different.
You might notice your older child acting more like a baby, known as “regression”. They might ask for a bottle again, start using baby talk, or have accidents after being toilet trained.
Attention-seeking may also ramp up. Your child might become whinier or start having tantrums specifically when you are feeding or putting the newborn to sleep.
These behaviours are a child’s way of saying they need to feel close to you again. For most children, these “protest” behaviours are short-lived and usually start to settle by the fourth month after the birth.
Preparing Your Child Before the Baby Arrives
Preparation helps your child feel included rather than displaced. It is helpful to tell your child about the pregnancy early, so they hear it from you first.
Be honest about what a baby is really like. Avoid “overselling” the baby as a ready-made playmate. Instead, explain that the baby will mostly sleep, cry, and poo, and will need a lot of your time.
Try to keep your child’s routine as stable as possible. If you need to move them to a new bed or start daycare, try to do it at least two months before the birth. This prevents them from blaming the new baby for the change.
Encourage your child to “bond with the bump”. Letting them feel the baby move or singing songs to your belly can help them start to build a connection before the homecoming.
Practical Strategies for Home
Once the baby is home, how you manage daily life can make a huge difference in sibling harmony.
- Committing to just 10–15 minutes of uninterrupted, child-led “special time” with your eldest each day can work wonders. During this time, let them pick the activity and give them your full attention. This reassures them that they haven’t lost their place in your heart.
- Utilise the “helper” role by involving your older child in simple tasks, like bringing a nappy or choosing the baby’s outfit. This fosters a sense of pride and inclusion. However, make sure this is an invitation rather than a chore they are forced to do.
- Validate the big feelings bying the child’s frustration (e.g., “It’s hard when I have to feed the baby and you want to play”), without shaming the child.
- Consider asking visitors to greet the older child first and perhaps bring a small “big sibling” gift to mitigate feelings of exclusion.
Managing Your Own Wellbeing
Your mental health is a primary factor in how well your child adjusts. When parents are struggling with high levels of stress or perinatal anxiety, it can sometimes lead to more conflictual interactions with the firstborn.
If you are feeling “on edge” or hypervigilant, your child may perceive the environment as unsafe, which can trigger more emotional outbursts from them. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it is a vital part of taking care of your children.
Learning how to stay calm during a toddler tantrum models emotional regulation for your kids. When you manage your own stress, you reduce the overall “emotional tone” of the house.
When to Seek Extra Support
While most sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up, sometimes the stress exceeds a child’s ability to cope. It can be helpful to know what the “red flags” are.
If your child’s aggression toward the baby or peers is persistent and involves physical harm, it may be time for a professional check-in. Other signs include a long-term loss of developmental skills or extreme social withdrawal that lasts beyond 4 to 6 months.
Signs of childhood depression, such as persistent low mood or a failure to be comforted by you, are also reasons to reach out. Sometimes, a few sessions of parent coaching or family therapy can help uncover the underlying issues and get things back on track.
You Are Doing a Great Job
The transition from one child to two is a journey. It is okay if some days feel harder than others. By being mindful of your child’s unique needs and offering consistent, warm boundaries, you are building the foundation for a lifelong bond between your children.
Sibling relationships are often the longest interpersonal connections we have in our lives. With the right support, this transition can become a catalyst for your family to grow in empathy and cooperation.
If you are finding the transition particularly difficult or are struggling with anxious thoughts, remember that you don’t have to navigate this alone. Professional support can provide you with the tools to feel more confident in your parenting and more present with your children.
A GP can provide a Mental Health Care Plan. A 15-minute discovery call can help determine next steps.
